#104: The seven-year itch
Back to how it all began
Hey friends,
Just a quick heads up: today’s post talks about death, grief, and all the reasons why I ended up leaving the UK and going travelling (and how I flipped a coin and ended up in Australia, seven years ago, today!)
While I don’t go into a huge amount of detail, I know it won’t be for everyone. I also understand how grief hits us all very differently, and it hits us all differently at different times in our lives, too.
In my case, at 21, I wanted nothing more than to run away - something I spoke more about in my last post. At 30-36 (and counting…), though, it’s made me want to bed down, build something, and leave my own little mark on the world. One that only I can make - because there will only ever be one of me, the same way that there will only ever be one of you, too.
It also talks about my updated website (which I’ve spent this past week building!) So, if you'd prefer a less grief-centred overview, you could also just check out my new about page there.
Oh, and lastly, I’m also hyper aware that a lot of people have asked me to share more about what I’m learning from my narrative therapy course, so I’ll try to get to that in next week’s post.
For now, though, I want to talk to you about today, because today is a really special day for me.
It's seven years to the day that I arrived in Australia.
It also, through some weird non-coincidence coincidence, marks the 15-year death-versary of one of my best friends, who lived in Australia before moving to my tiny town in the UK. I grew up watching Round the Twist and Neighbours, but he was the first person I ever met from the Land Down Under, and the first guy I’d ever met who wore Ugg boots - a big thing in the early 00s! - though, of course, he only wore them indoors.
Losing him in a car accident in 2011 was one of the biggest and most pivotal moments of my life.
It’s the reason I gave up my then-dream of joining the UN and changing the world from the top down, and instead decided to travel. The reason I take photos all the dang time - he was a professional photographer who’d just started landing his first proper gigs when he passed. The reason I started flipping coins to make all my decisions. And, I guess, the reason that I somehow ended up living in Australia with an indoor-Ugg-boot-wearing Australian partner, too.
15 years ago, 21-year-old me had very different dreams and goals. I felt utterly invincible, like I had my whole life ahead of me.
His passing was a wake-up call - a reminder that nothing is ever guaranteed. It changed everything about how I moved through the world, giving me a new mantra: “Fuck it, I might die tomorrow, so I’m going to live life to the absolute max and milk it for all it's got”.
At 21, this meant getting a job at a travel agency and spending my vacation time hitchhiking around Europe instead of chasing big career dreams.
At 23, this meant leaving the UK with a one-way ticket.
At 28, this meant sitting on the banks of an icy river in Canada, flipping a coin, and deciding to go to Australia.
At 29, this meant standing in line at an airport in London, picking a random day, and spontaneously booking a flight to Australia - they wouldn’t let me board my flight to Indonesia without an exit flight, which, incidentally, ended up being the day Charlie had died, eight years earlier.
Coincidence, non-coincidence, y’know?
It used to be a running joke how indecisive I was, but after he passed, I decided to use it as a way to carry him with me - which is how I ended up flipping coins to make big decisions (like whether I should go to Australia!) This way, it felt like I wasn't always having to make them on my own, but that there was someone else looking out for me, too. Someone else who had my back, no matter what.
It honestly feels kind of crazy to look back now - and to share publicly here - but I genuinely feel like I was… meant to end up in Australia when I did.
That if I hadn’t arrived then, in March 2019, I may not have had a settled home base from which to navigate the COVID lockdowns or my mum’s young-onset Alzheimer’s diagnosis, and my own subsequent health issues. And if I hadn’t ended up with that home base here, then I could very easily have ended up back in that tiny hometown that I always told him I couldn’t wait to leave.
And sure, I can appreciate it for what it is now in a way I never could when I was 18, but it still doesn’t mean I want to live there.
Which, incidentally, brings me to my other little update - because, if I’ve learned anything these past 15 years, it’s that, to me, home is more than just where we lay our heads. It’s also what we feel inside. It’s the people we surround ourselves with, and the places that we build and create and pour our hearts into, in-person and online, too.
As I touched on earlier, I’ve also been reworking my website this week, which, along with my wonderful little community here, feels very much like my online home.
When I first started building it, way back in 2021, it felt like a way of putting down roots at a time when nothing much else in my life made sense. Back then, it was mostly a place for me to share my writing and my creations - I even had pages for all my graphic design, art, and photography work. It was an anchor, reminding me of who I was and what I'd made. Keeping me in place while the world was spinning.
It’s changed a lot these past few years - just like an actual home. Over time, things always shift. We redecorate, bring in new things, maybe even move to a whole new house - perhaps in a new place or a new country. In the case of my website “home”, rather than being a home full of my things, I'd now say it's more of a hybrid home-shopfront.
Maybe more of a cosy teashop storefront. A place that says, “Hey, I exist, and this is what I do, believe in, and how I help others, and what I want to give back to the world. Come on in. How are you doing? Would you like a cup of tea?”
It’s been a long time coming, but it feels like a good shift. The timing of it, too, feels like one of those same coincidence, non-coincidence things. Redoing the site has been on my mind for months, but I kept putting it off until, in the end, it felt like life conspired to make it happen.
Last week, I managed to fall off my bike and break my tailbone - the first and only bone I’ve ever managed to break. After I had to cancel a bunch of other plans, I decided it was finally time to sit stand at my desk and get it done.
Thanks, universe.
Anyway, I guess that’s it from me this week. A bit more of a rambling one than usual, but it feels good to share the truth behind the highlight reel, and honour the person who, by losing his life, somehow set this life in motion for me.
I still find it so intriguing how it has all panned out - and how the “carpe diem” chapter in my life feels bookended by losing him and then losing my mum to dementia, too.
What a whirlwind life is, hey?
Though, in all honesty, this has also felt like another much-needed reminder that we never really know what's around the corner. All we can do is try to make the most of what we have.
Oh, and, where possible, to surround ourselves with good people wherever we can, too. Because if I've learned anything these past few years, it's that being around the right people can make even the worst situations just a tiny bit better.
This is exactly why I built my creative community, The Lemonade Factory.
If you're going through tough times and feel like being around a crew of lovely, open-minded, supportive people who’ve also been through it too would help, or love the idea of building yourself a new home (or something else) and don't know where to start, you're always welcome to join us in my other online home.
This week, we’ve got my favourite event of the month - our writing circle. It's on Friday (27th) at 10am GMT/6pm AWST and is recorded for anyone who can’t make it live. You absolutely do not have to be a writer to join. Most people aren't.
Instead, we all come together, leave perfectionism at the door, and get to embark on a playful experiment I call “structured daydreaming,” where we get to push the limits of our imagination and think outside the box, all while expanding our neuroplasticity and supporting our brain health.
To join us, you just have to upgrade to be a paid subscriber, and you’ll get access to 3-4 calls every month, plus recordings, plus a 24/7 WhatsApp group.
If I'm totally honest, while I love my website (and my actual house), I genuinely think the community might be the best home I’ve ever built. Especially as it seems to be the one thing keeping my feet on the ground every time life seems to throw me another curveball - like this bloody tailbone!
Maybe catch you there?
All my love,
Cxxx
PS: Take a new tour of my “new” online home, here. I’d love to know what you think!
Ouch feel better Cassie. What a rich life you've had already. And so many ups and downs and moments in between to get you where you are. Love what you're building 😻
Congratulations on 7 years! 🎇 And your website looks spectacular! Gorgeous pics and so much wonderful language too (especially 'personal polywilderness'! 😍)
I love your stories. Do you know the folk tale of Vasilisa the Wise, whose dying mother gives her a doll to guide her through life? It came to mind when I read your beautiful description of the coin-flip practice as a way to carry Charlie with you 🧡