Big changes and liminal spaces
Leaning into the (dis)comfort of the unknown
Hey friends,
I'm sorry I missed our inbox date last week. It was a big week - my mum had another huge grand mal seizure (a fun side quest on this Alzheimer’s adventure, but she's… okay, mostly). I also wrote 16 articles in ~8 days, decided to quit my main writing gig/take a step back from travel writing, and went on a weekend road trip/camp-out for my partner's sister’s birthday.
It’s only been two weeks since my last email and yet everything feels so different; a bit like I'm walking down a tunnel in the dark with no flashlight, and even though I keep tripping up and second-guessing myself, deep down I know I'm moving in the right direction.
It isn't easy, but this whole growth thing rarely is. I just have to keep putting my trust in that, in myself, and in the idea of the comfort of the unknown rather than the discomfort of the known, and keep moving forward.
Truth is, I don't know what's in front of me, but I might as well assume it's going to be good instead of imagining the worst (my usual MO). Sure, there'll be challenges, but there’s also so much room for joy and joys, too, even if they're as simple as a morning coffee, a hot shower, the sun hitting the wall just right, and a good book (or three)*.
*I’ve now read 67 books this year! I’m currently reading The Faraway Nearby by Rebecca Solnit, Belonging by Toko-pa Turner, and Orbital by Samantha Harvey.
Like a sunflower, I'm trying to turn more towards the light. It's there, but I've been denying myself access to it, playing small. Staying uncomfortable. Spending too much time in the dark.
I know I should have said no to all those articles, but I didn't. 11 years into freelancing and even though I'd budgeted for a break, I still found myself slipping back into that feast or famine mindset. It’s a tough one to break out of.
I feel that way about my whole travel writing career at the moment, if I'm totally honest. For the last few years, I've found new and novel ways to justify it (mostly to myself), even when it hasn't felt right. I've been contorting my creativity into unnatural shapes to try to help me feel “safe” amidst a whole world of chaos and… surprise, surprise, it hasn't worked.
I still don't feel safe, mostly because safety is an internal thing, not an external one. Attaching it to external outcomes is just a recipe for disappointment.
It's also not how I want to live. I don't want moving targets to feel like the anchor I need when everything around me is spinning wildly out of control. I want to be the anchor.
Last week, I finally reached the tipping point. I managed to write all the articles, but the cost was high. I was up until 2 am most nights and not sleeping well. My chronic pain came back with a vengeance. I didn't have energy to cook meals or go on bike rides. I didn't even look forward to going away last weekend, it was just another thing on the to-do list.
But, when I heard about my mum’s seizure, it was like a switch flipped. It reminded me of all the things she’d put off - like coming to visit me in Cambodia or Australia - because she didn’t have “enough” money for retirement and didn't want to turn down work.
I realised I’d fallen into the same fear-based trap; like I'd been living her anxieties for both of us since she couldn't.
It was a hell of a wake-up call.
I also realised that I can't, in good faith, build a business based on helping other people live their dreams if I can't live mine. For example, I've been book coaching with a few clients and loving it. But, because all my writing capacity is filled up with writing for others, my own book - into which I've already invested thousands of hours and thousands of dollars - is languishing in my drafts.
I have a big dream to build my mentoring business; to help other people grow their dreams and businesses and books. I want to run group mentoring calls, dreaming circles, and writing workshops. I want to hold space for others as they go deep into their lives and come up with the things that matter most, and then weave them into their stories/lives/businesses - whatever that looks like to them.
But I can't do any of that if I'm:
Tired and burned out from trying to churn out content I don't like doing.
Not actually walking the talk and showing up for it in my own life.
Playing small and feeling too scared/overwhelmed/tired to take any action.
I've written before about how knowing what we don't want can be even more powerful than knowing that we do. Knowing I'm finally ready to let go of all the things that feel out of alignment feels extra powerful.
Letting go of this work has been a long time coming. I remember noticing all the frayed edges when I hired my first mentor, naively hoping she could help me gloss over all the red flags and turn me into a 6-figure freelancer. Instead, I spent $10k to learn I don't have what it takes to get there - and that it absolutely isn't how I want to spend my life.
I've since spent the last 2 years (and invested a lot more) into learning how I do.
Sending this is a big step for me. I've already had to talk myself out of sending more pitches or offering to do more work, which I know sounds utterly ridiculous - but even though I don't like it, the absence of the known feels uncomfortable. It's making me angsty.
Just like the Alzheimer’s journey, I want to fast forward through it and be on the other side. Unlike Alzheimer’s, however, I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't really know what it looks like on the other side, but I know I have to walk through the dark to find out. But, I guess that's part of the journey too. For the first time, though, I also feel like I'm not alone; like there are glow worms lighting the way and people to pick me up when I stumble. I have better tools. I have hope. I have an amazing team and support network of mentors, friends, and cheerleaders all around me, one I'm learning from and leaning on, all the time.
I guess that's the difference between turning to the light and away from it.
Reflection questions
Is there anywhere that you feel drawn to make changes in your life?
Is there anything that feels like it doesn't fit anymore no matter how hard you keep trying?
Is there anything you really want to do and you know that making a change will help you get there, even if it involves some temporary discomfort?
Is there anything holding you back from making that change? Is there more discomfort in staying where you are or more discomfort on the other side?
As always, if you want any support navigating any of this, feel free to reach out. I have (a lot) more time and energy for my mentoring clients now, and honestly, feel like I'm living out the mentoring journey in real time.
It's funny also because I've always kind of struggled with the word mentor vs coach. Mentor feels, to me, like someone who is just a few more steps ahead in the journey. Whereas a coach feels more formal or more structured.
For example, my book coaching* has a little more structure - it’s almost similar to how I used to plan round-the-world trips when I was a travel agent. Together, we can take a wisp of an idea and turn it into a book, create a plan, and write a proposal - or the whole book, if you want to go the self-pub route.
(*Also I haven’t added this to my website yet, but it’s the same price structure as my current sessions!)
My mentoring programs and sessions do the same thing, in many ways - taking and shaping an idea and turning it into something tangible - but they're also so tailor-made that it feels more like traditional mentoring than coaching.
Anyway, it’s all semantics, I guess. It's something I'll dive into another day for sure, along with how I plan to transition my travel writing into something else. I still love it, I’m just feeling very disenchanted with the industry at the moment.
Big thoughts. Lots of questions, not many answers, but I guess that's where I am right now, and there's beauty in that too.
Sending you lots of love wherever you are and whatever’s going on in your world.
Cxx
PS: As always, your likes, comments, shares, and subscriptions mean the world to me. As do my paid supporters and those wonderful souls who have bought me a coffee over the past year. Thanks for being part of the light.
PPS: Part of my plan for the next few months is to give my website and brand a bit of a touch-up. I know I need a little support with that, but I’m also too much of a control freak to hire someone else to do it for me. Instead, I’ve signed up for ’s Kickstarter campaign with her amazing-looking Playdeck and Playgroup (and have booked a Playdate with her, too!)
It’s the last week of the campaign - and as with all Kickstarter things it’s all or nothing - so, if you have a business or brand, dream of building a business, or work with web/graphic designers, it might be worth checking out.*
*Absolutely not sponsored. I just like seeing cool people do cool things and supporting them any way I can. It’s a big part of that rising tide lifts all ships, thing, and Sarah’s Playdeck feels like it’ll help other tides lift other ships, too!
I’m excited to see how your next chapter unfolds. You’re brave to make changes! Only good things will come (of course, with some struggles in between). I have the same feeling about work and my mom. Like it’s just not worth it to make it THE priority and have it prevent you from living. I think I’ve also evolved a bit in that regard since moving to Amsterdam. My American go, go, go mindset is slowly dissolving, which I love! ❤️
I love this and have so many thoughts on anchoring and walking through the dark. You have been brave enough to start and to work through and stop some of the things that were holding you back. I expect when you look back you will find starting was the hardest part, you’ve already nailed that. Xx