Life on the other side
What to do when things don't fit like they used to
Hey friends,
I'm currently on a journey of integration after my trip back home. On that note, is it still home if you left 16 years ago?! Who knows. All I know is it's very weird being back in this home after leaving that one. I don't feel like I fit.
Before I left, I teed up a bunch of writing work for when I got back. I really wanted to hit the ground running; to just get off the plane and step back into the shoes and life I'd left behind.
As a full time freelancer and mentor, this also felt like a good, grown up, responsible thing to do. I knew it would be an expensive trip (no holiday pay when you work for yourself!) and I thought having articles lined up would help take the edge off.
But, now, back from three very intense weeks where I pretty much constantly felt like I had to be grown up and responsible - from spoon-feeding my 6-month-old niece and my 63-year-old mum (who has late-stage Alzheimer’s), to being the only sober guest at 2am at a Slovakian wedding, looking for a friend who’d passed out in the bushes - grown up and responsible is the last thing I want to be.
I'm glad I went, and grateful for all of it, but I'm so exhausted, too. I'm also grieving, hard.
My mum has deteriorated so much since I saw her last year. It was so tough to see her and to see how much everyone else is struggling with it all, too.
The morning I left, one of her friends came to take her to daycare and we couldn't get her out the front door. It took 3 of us to get her up out of her chair, shuffle her to the door, and persuade her to step over the threshold. She kept saying no. Her friend said she didn't think she could keep doing this. It was too hard - both physically and emotionally.
I know what she means. But when it's your mum, it's even harder. There's no checking out. I thought, naively, this trip would be easier than others now she was further gone. It wasn't. Leaving was harder than ever. Coming back has been, too.
More than ever, I feel like I'm existing in a weird liminal space between two countries, two sides of the world, and two versions of me.
When I was there, it was autumn. I was grown up, responsible. I felt like I had to hold it all together. I also had energy to do things because there was a pressing urgency; if we don't go to this place today, we might never get to go again. The traveller - and the travel writer - in me still wants to do, see, and experience everything.
Now I'm back, everything feels different. It's spring. I left in winter and I've come back and my garden is full of colour and the outback is in the midst of a record wildflower bloom. I want to be out there, not in here*, writing articles, being a grown up, but I'm also exhausted and just want to sleep and eat take-out and have everything be easy.
*here is my bed, right now. I'm writing this on my phone. It's 11.54am and I'm still in my pjs. The cat is curled up next to me. This doesnt feel grown up and responsible. Neither does writing this while I have 2 other deadlines due today. I was up until 2 am writing them last night and they're still not even remotely finished.
This feels like the rebellion I need right now. So does staying up late. So too does asking my partner to pick up take out because even though we went shopping for all the usual things we ate before I left. Now I'm back, I don't want to eat any of it. I spent 2 days opening and closing the fridge before realising that that too was a form of grief.
This all is.
It's funny how the only real things lifting me up right now are writing things like this and doing my mentoring calls. I've had four this week and have loved every single one of them so much. I can write notes for them and reply to emails without thinking twice.
This piece - although I'm still not really sure what I'm trying to say - has just flowed out.
I guess that says a lot about what I like and where I want to be putting my now more-limited-than-ever energy, too.
An idea
As I've told more than one client this week, we can often learn more about what we want from leaning into and identifying what we don't want.
Right now, I don't really want to be a grown up. I want to be a daughter, grieving.
I don't want to go to a friend's mum's 70th birthday at the weekend. I want to go and do something nice for myself and not feel like I have to put on a mask and a happy face.
I don't really want to be the type of writer that churns out SEO heavy, pithy-yet-formulaic content with tight word counts on topics I want to dive deeper into. I want to write pieces like this, to work on my book, or to write more…purposeful articles.
For example, if I'm writing an “everything you need to know before you go” piece, I want it to actually have everything you need to know before you go. When I was away, I felt like I had to read 10+ articles just to get the information I needed. It's a minefield out there, especially with AI content now, too.
I want to make it easier, not just add to the noise.
I don't want to reply to all the messages from lovely or well meaning friends asking me how my “holiday” was or how my mum is. I love them, but I'm not ready to dive into it all individually. Instead, I want to write pieces like this. It helps me make sense of how I feel about it all and takes a lot less energy.
I don’t want to just “have a chat” or catch up with people on the phone. I want to use all the energy and time that takes to have video calls with my mentoring clients. I love to be a space holder, soundboard, cheerleader, and guide for other people also navigating big changes and transitions in their lives. I also like to set guidelines around that and be paid for it.
I want to help other people. But I also want to help me.
Writing it out like this helps me get clearer on how I can do both. It feels like I’m making myself a map so I can find my way out of this messy, inbetween place and back into a life that feels good.
An offering
I wonder if there are things in your life that are acting like sign posts and locked gates.
Are you feeling like some things don't fit anymore?
What are the things you don't like telling you about what you do?
Has reading this helped you get some insights into how you can use them to help guide you closer to doing what you would like to be doing?
An invitation
This past trip feels like it's cracked me open and I want to put it all to good use and to write about it in the hope that some of it might have value for someone else. But I also want to write more of the content that I know has value to you, too.
As I'm fast approaching this newsletter's first birthday, I'd love to learn more about why you're here and what sort of things you'd like to read from me in the future.
Which posts of mine do you like reading?
Would you prefer I wrote more content about creativity and building creative businesses?
Are you here for dementia or caregiving content?
Do you want more travel insights or history stuff?
Should I share some of my work on abandoned places and ghost towns here, too?
Do you want to know more about freelancing, travel writing, or how to do it all when life gets in the way?
If you're open to it, I'd love to know. Feel free to hit reply or share in the comments. I might even put a poll in next week!
Now I guess I'd better get back to those other articles. Time waits for no (hu)man and all that.
Catch you next week!
All my love,
Cx
PS: now I'm back, my mentoring books are open again for new and returning clients! If you're interested in diving in deeper into anything I've ever talked about here or want to see if I can help with anything you're struggling with at the moment, feel free to reach out or book a free discovery call. You can also find out more on my website.
PPS: I am still pondering what, where, how, and when to dive into paywalled pieces here. At the moment, everything I write is free. However, if you want to support me and my work, you can sign up for a paid subscription or buy me a coffee - my 2 am writing sessions are necessitating a fair few of them at the moment.
Likes, comments, and shares on these pieces also go a long way to filling my poverbial cup, too, and are all very much appreciated. As are you for being here! Thank you for reading and helping me feel less alone in the world as I navigate this bumpy path. It means the world to me 💜
Your time with your mum sounds incredibly tough. Sending love and strength x
I want to read about how you bring the disparate parts of your life together that give you such a unique take on the world. I want to hear how that has shaped your voice. I want to read about the role of creativity in creating a different life. I want to know how the places you have travelled and the people you met through that have shaped and changed you. I want to read about why you decided to evolve your work and how that feels….. And I want to know about how you connect with family and your old life now you are so far away. not much then?!?!