#35: Half in, half out
Reflections from half of a strange year
Hey friends,
We’re six months through 2024, and, although I’ve never done a reflection piece before, I’m feeling this strange pull towards it. This is, I guess, a riff on that.
I feel like I have one foot in and one foot out of life at the moment. Like half of me is in the warmth of the northern hemisphere, basking in the bright light of midsummer. The other half is here in the south, embracing the cool temperatures and deep greens of midwinter.
Half of me is with my family, the siren call of my soul standing vigil beside my mum’s hospital bed. The other half is here, sitting at my desk, sipping coffee that’s long gone cold, trying to build a business. I currently have nine notebooks open on my desk - all of them half-filled with scribbles.
Nine!
Note: I did write about what they all were and why I actually have 12 notebooks on the go right now (including 3 on the shelf), but decided to cut it in the interest of word count.
If you do want to know how my strange late-realised autistic-ADHD brings order from chaos into a million notebooks, let me know and I'll spell it all out. I love (over)explaining a little bit too much at the moment. It’s yet another tiny way of creating order from the chaos.
I also feel like I'm halfway through (the first draft of) my book, although the word/page count wouldn’t quite agree. Still, as it's taken me years of dreaming and scheming to even start, a sixth or a seventh is closer to the end than I have been before.
I’m on my way to halfway, which is good enough.
Speaking of getting started - I've just started working with a new personal mentor. It’s the first time I’ve properly invested in personal-focused growth, rather than professional. She’s been on my radar for around four years, but I wasn't quite ready until now.
We've only had one session so far - 11 to go - but even by beginning this journey, I feel like I'm halfway through unravelling myself and rediscovering who, what, where, why, and how I want to be.
It's funny how things started changing as soon as I sent her the first payment. I don't know if you’ve ever worked with mentors, coaches, or guides before, but I always find the change starts at the moment of commitment.
As an ex-travel agent (and traveller), I know that having an upcoming journey to look forward makes the days feel different. Having these inner journeys mapped out ahead of me makes me feel that way, too. Truth is, I’m way more excited about this than I am about my upcoming trip to the UK - although that’s probably for obvious reasons, too.
While I know this journey - along with the other journeys I’m currently on, including life itself - will change me, I also know that having the support of someone else is what I need right now and will likely make the trip “home” better, too.
I’ve come to realise that I need a Virgil as I journey deeper into the nine layers of Hell*. And so, like Dante, I’m now working with someone who has been there; she’s the daughter of a parent and grandparent with dementia - and has published a book about it.
She’s halfway to where I want to be.
*In case you don’t get the reference (…it is 703 years old), Virgil - an Ancient Roman poet - is Dante’s guide as he journeys through hell (Inferno) in Dante’s 14th-century Italian epic, The Divine Comedy. Along with being almost wholly responsible for unifying Italy’s dialects and creating a singular Italian language, La Divina Commedia is also responsible for many of our more visual thoughts about the Biblical ideas of Heaven and Hell.
And, just in case it helps to picture it, La Divina Commedia lives in a very specific section of my mind alongside Bosch’s The Garden of Earthly Desires. Same same but different, as the old traveller saying used to go.
I’m also halfway towards fully embracing my curiosity and fascination for all things, including Renaissance art and literature - although, if I’m honest, Japanese aesthetics have a bigger hold over my heart. Especially the concepts of yūgen and mono-no-aware, which I studied at university - almost half my lifetime ago.
I love learning. I love my curiosity and how it bleeds into my creativity. I’ve written before about the ideas of curiosity vs contentment, but I feel like I’m halfway through my journey to aligning the two - and learning to love my curious mind and my creative heart all the more for it.
It’s not coincidental that this has actually shifted me halfway out of my old role - and identity - as a travel writer. I’ve only pitched and picked up a couple of articles this year, mostly on ghost towns and historical architecture, which I actually really love writing about.
There are so many reasons for this - enough to write the whole separate post that I’ve been thinking about - but for now, the main ones are that I was a) sick of writing in other people’s voices, and b) bored of the why go here, where to stay, what to do stuff that I have no doubt ChatGPT will be able to do quicker and easier than me in no time.
Instead, I want to dive into the real human stuff.
The reasons why we travel; the quest for novelty and adventure; the idea of running away vs running towards; the transformation that we are hoping for. I also want to write more about the other journeys that we go on in our lives; like those of grief, love, and self-discovery.
The best lessons I learned from all my years of travelling and working in disaster relief were all about how to be a better human. And fortunately, you don’t need to pack your life into a backpack and book a one-way ticket to reach those same breakthroughs.
Not unless you want to, of course.
This is actually one of the main reasons I started mentoring; to help people have those breakthroughs. Although I’ve had some great successes and awesome clients, I still feel like I’m only halfway into the beginning of my journey into being a mentor - including how the hell to market myself, which is surprisingly difficult.
I feel like “creative mentor” is too broad, but I like the personal creative projects as much as business-building projects - so “creative business mentor” isn’t quite enough. “Being your Virgil as you walk through Hell” is probably a little bit too niche too - and not entirely true; I love skipping through all aspects of the Garden of Earthly Delights with my clients. Especially the fun bits.
Anyway, I digress and joke, but it’s kind of true. Still, I’m trying to see this - like everything else - as a journey. The fact I’ve even started on it, though, means that I’m closer to where I want to be than I was before I started.
Halfway there.
I also still feel like I’m halfway on this grief journey with my Mum’s young-onset Alzheimer’s, too. Last week, I alluded to her decline, and, now the time has passed I can tell you she was halfway in and halfway out of this world, but now she’s fully back here.
She is, however, still in hospital, and the care home that I was excited about her going to so my dad could have a break is now being investigated for severe negligence because of what happened.
Cool.
If I’m totally honest, half of me is grieving that the story didn’t end then - with as little suffering as possible.
The other half is now right back on the cycle of grief that comes with realising her changing needs are far greater than before, and convincing my dad - once again - that we need to be thinking long-term. I like to think I’m halfway there, but this in itself is a journey, too.
It all is.
This whole thing is a wild ride. And unlike Disneyland or any of the other theme parks I’ve been to, where you spend half your time - if not more - waiting in line to go on a ride, in this real-life version, as soon as you finish one, you step right onto the next.
Here’s to seeing what the next six months have in store.
Reflection questions
Are there any areas in your life where you feel like you’re halfway in/halfway out?
How does the idea of life being a big journey full of many little journeys sit with you?
What journeys do you feel like you’re in the middle of right now?
What’s your greatest achievement so far this year?
Is there anything that you’re looking forward to in the second half of this year? What is calling you or pulling your attention towards it? Are you letting yourself follow the call?
For now, I will leave you to your weekend. I hope you have a wonderful time, whatever you do. And, if it all feels a little sticky and you fancy some support you can a) see if some of the suggestions at the end of this post may help, or b) reach out for some one-on-one help. I’m always here.
All my love,
Cx
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really feeling the half in-half out bit these days, which feels like im trapped by many forks in the road. it’s like im trying to do too much. im starting to think about this month as a reset on some of my writing and reading goals (write the damn diss, touch my ongoing novel baby, reading instead of scrolling), but the momentum has really not been in my favor… we’ll get there eventually! also would love a notebook deep dive! 💕 always appreciate your insights, cassie!
Hi Cassie, I happened across this piece yesterday and connected with your experience with your mum. I to am a daughter of a mother with both Dementia and Alzheimer’s and I’d be really interested in reading the book you mentioned by the person you are working with and am eager to read your other pieces about your experience.
Thank you for writing about this topic and not shying away from it. I was made to keep it a secret for a long time, by my Dad and his apparent shame over her decline and I’ve been wanting to share my own experiences with others to help them feel less alone in coping with the impact this has on you as a child.