really feeling the half in-half out bit these days, which feels like im trapped by many forks in the road. it’s like im trying to do too much. im starting to think about this month as a reset on some of my writing and reading goals (write the damn diss, touch my ongoing novel baby, reading instead of scrolling), but the momentum has really not been in my favor… we’ll get there eventually! also would love a notebook deep dive! 💕 always appreciate your insights, cassie!
I feel you on the forks in the road. I keep trying to remind myself that just picking one fork is progress and is a start in the right direction - like I don't have to know exactly how it will pan out, but trusting that no choice is a bad choice if it's made from a place of integrity and being truthful to ourselves.
I guess I feel like no choice is usually a choice, too (one that will always remind me of Sylvia Plath's Fig Tree analogy) and making that choice usually keeps me stuck/still and in a place of analysis paralysis. I've found that momentum begets movement, so making a choice will usually then reveal a new and exciting step to me, and if I do it enough then I usually find meeting those forks can become a place of curiosity rather than a place of contention.
On that vein, I also feel like I've started to lean into and trust that if something is meant for me it'll come back around. Honestly, it feels like the fast-moving world we live in right now has created this "grab it now before its gone" mentality that is so out of alignment with how I want to live - or how any of us were designed to live. It's taken a lot of our power and discernment and intutition away and makes us act from the head rather than the heart.
Sounds like you have a lot of big dreams on and although I hate to give unsolicited advice (I apologise if this is overstepping), it might be worth breaking those goals into slightly smaller chunks that you can assign time quotas, required energy levels, and creative/strategy energy to.
Ie, strategy energy would be working on your diss overview, get your references and bibliography sorted, and/or braindumping everything you think you want to say and then ordering that. Creative energy would be compiling that and filling in the gaps, working on the novel (you could again do the overview/braindump etc depending on whether you're a pantser/planner).
Then just make reading as easy as possible - I have ebooks I've been trying to read on my phone or keep my kindle charged. I keep a book on my desk, or save other substacks to read when I'm in that "scrolling" energy/mindset. It's a fine line that I struggle with a lot!
As for notebooks, yay! I'll send it as a separate comment as this really ended up far longer than I was planning, sorry!!! xx
yes totally relating to what you're saying about the scarcity mindset of "grab before it's gone," such a frustrating cycle to be in. never feels like enough. but i, too, am trying to think of things more in terms of "things will work out if/when they are meant to work out," and it does provide some comfort during moments of uncertainty. and those little tips you shared aren't overstepping at all! it's always nice to have reminders about the dangers of being over-ambitious without adequate baby steps to cultivate momentum. // also it is so interesting to see how you compartmentalize all those pieces of yourself in individual notebook spaces!! gives me some inspiration for new ways to use my own collection tysm <3
Okay, so I wrote this originally in my first draft of that post so it's written in a "post" kind of way rather than a replying to comments one, but I've copy and pasted it anyway as I still kind of like it! Let me know if you have any questions :) xx
1) My daily journal. I use this A5 notebook for morning pages, journaling, and writing lists of what I’ve done each day. For some reason, these lists make me very happy. I then turn the lists into a weekly list of business-building things I’ve done in yet another notebook (#10, which is currently on my shelf, next to my client mentoring notebook - #11 - and my book proposal notebook, #12).
2) My “one line a day” notebook. This one is different from my daily journal. It’s a three-year journal and each day has room for just a few lines. I save it for more meaningful stuff to look back on.
3) My notebook. This is an A4 book that I use to write down things I find interesting, ideas, business things, notes from free courses, workshops, and other pebbles of interest that I’ve found and want to hold and keep. These notebooks are like a treasure trove into my mind. I’ve filled four so far this year and I love them all.
4) My yearly reflections notebook. I have a special notebook that my dad gifted me for Christmas a few years ago. It’s one of those notebooks that I find too nice to write random shit in, so I keep it for my yearly reflections. I also have dried flowers, ticket stubs, and letters to myself sandwiched within its pages. I’ve just been doing my half-year reflections in there and writing a letter to myself to read in December.
5) A gratitude journal. Every few months, I pick up my gratitude journal and write a list of things I am grateful for. I love doing it and think, this is great, I should do this every day, and then I forget. And repeat. I do like looking back at the old lists, though.
6) Another pretty A6 notebook that I use to write down quotes and short notes and reminders of things I love and want to keep safe in my memory bank. This one has been on the go since 2021.
7) An art journal. I’ve been trying to dig into my art journal more regularly and do one sketch a day, but at the moment I’m lucky to do one sketch a week. It is what it is. I’ve been playing around with trying to draw something without looking at the page. I'm terrible at it, but that's kind of the point. It’s a place for experimentation - not expertise.
8) Another A5 notebook where I’ve been working through creative writing exercises, including nature writing. I like keeping my creative writing and more artistic observations all in one place.
9) An A4 notebook I use to make notes from sessions with my mentors and other paid courses. Whenever I sign up for a paid course, I like cracking open a new notebook or starting afresh from the back of one. My most recent one has @Beth Kempton’s River of Words at the front and @Annie Ridout’s The Creative Way at the back.
Hi Cassie, I happened across this piece yesterday and connected with your experience with your mum. I to am a daughter of a mother with both Dementia and Alzheimer’s and I’d be really interested in reading the book you mentioned by the person you are working with and am eager to read your other pieces about your experience.
Thank you for writing about this topic and not shying away from it. I was made to keep it a secret for a long time, by my Dad and his apparent shame over her decline and I’ve been wanting to share my own experiences with others to help them feel less alone in coping with the impact this has on you as a child.
Hey Joanne, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a similar experience. Shame and keeping quiet seem to be very common experiences shared with many people facing the realities of caregiving and "losing" a partner or loved one to dementia.
That said, it also feels generational. My parents are very much of the "keep calm and carry on" generation; the "let's not air our dirty laundry in public", generation. You didn't ask for help or share anything, you just got on with it. Stiff upper lip and all that.
But that, to me, just exacerbates the issue even more - perpetuating the myth that you have something to be ashamed about. Whereas the reality is that this could happen to anyone, and so I write about it because I want people to feel less alone. Shame dies in the light, and all that.
I'm so glad my words have connected with you because that was always my intent.
I personally try my best to keep the specifics of my dad and siblings stories out of what I write (as best as I can), and focus on the other aspects - my own observations/feelings, the general struggle of losing a parent to dementia, especially young-onset, the experience of being on the other side of the world and still wanting to help, the "when is the right time for residential care" debate, etc, through my own lens. That has helped me with my boundaries around what to share and how to "curate" it publicly, if that makes sense.
As for actually answering the question you asked - I'm currently working with an incredible woman called Steph Jagger. Her book is called "Everything Left to Remember" and it's about a roadtrip her and her mum took just after her mum's diagnosis. She's also been on several podcasts talking about it, which can be a good entrypoint.
Here are some other pieces I've written that might resonate:
I've been trying not to make my page all about dementia, but it definitely colours a lot of the other posts I write, too. These are a little more focused though! Anyway, feel free to reach out if you have any questions or want to talk more. I know this journey isn't easy xx
Thank you! I so appreciate this. It's not always easy to write these types of posts or walk the fine line between sharing too much and not sharing enough, but I do think they're important and have value for the right reader. Very grateful to you for reading - and for all the incredible pieces you write and share, too. I always set aside time with a cuppa every time I see them pop up in my inbox! xx
You're so right about the balance but it's nice to take a peek behind the screen name and floating head image. I'm so glad to have you as a reader and your comments are so enriching! So often feels like I'm shouting into the void, but if it helps someone then that's brilliant! 🧡
You're so right about the balance but it's nice to take a peek behind the screen name and floating head image. I'm so glad to have you as a reader and your comments are so enriching! So often feels like I'm shouting into the void, but if it helps someone then that's brilliant! 🧡
Honestly, I feel exactly the same most of the time. It's not easy but it's so worth it when we have those moments of connection and feel like our writing struck a chord with readers! Keep at it, I adore reading your pieces! xx
really feeling the half in-half out bit these days, which feels like im trapped by many forks in the road. it’s like im trying to do too much. im starting to think about this month as a reset on some of my writing and reading goals (write the damn diss, touch my ongoing novel baby, reading instead of scrolling), but the momentum has really not been in my favor… we’ll get there eventually! also would love a notebook deep dive! 💕 always appreciate your insights, cassie!
I feel you on the forks in the road. I keep trying to remind myself that just picking one fork is progress and is a start in the right direction - like I don't have to know exactly how it will pan out, but trusting that no choice is a bad choice if it's made from a place of integrity and being truthful to ourselves.
I guess I feel like no choice is usually a choice, too (one that will always remind me of Sylvia Plath's Fig Tree analogy) and making that choice usually keeps me stuck/still and in a place of analysis paralysis. I've found that momentum begets movement, so making a choice will usually then reveal a new and exciting step to me, and if I do it enough then I usually find meeting those forks can become a place of curiosity rather than a place of contention.
On that vein, I also feel like I've started to lean into and trust that if something is meant for me it'll come back around. Honestly, it feels like the fast-moving world we live in right now has created this "grab it now before its gone" mentality that is so out of alignment with how I want to live - or how any of us were designed to live. It's taken a lot of our power and discernment and intutition away and makes us act from the head rather than the heart.
Sounds like you have a lot of big dreams on and although I hate to give unsolicited advice (I apologise if this is overstepping), it might be worth breaking those goals into slightly smaller chunks that you can assign time quotas, required energy levels, and creative/strategy energy to.
Ie, strategy energy would be working on your diss overview, get your references and bibliography sorted, and/or braindumping everything you think you want to say and then ordering that. Creative energy would be compiling that and filling in the gaps, working on the novel (you could again do the overview/braindump etc depending on whether you're a pantser/planner).
Then just make reading as easy as possible - I have ebooks I've been trying to read on my phone or keep my kindle charged. I keep a book on my desk, or save other substacks to read when I'm in that "scrolling" energy/mindset. It's a fine line that I struggle with a lot!
As for notebooks, yay! I'll send it as a separate comment as this really ended up far longer than I was planning, sorry!!! xx
yes totally relating to what you're saying about the scarcity mindset of "grab before it's gone," such a frustrating cycle to be in. never feels like enough. but i, too, am trying to think of things more in terms of "things will work out if/when they are meant to work out," and it does provide some comfort during moments of uncertainty. and those little tips you shared aren't overstepping at all! it's always nice to have reminders about the dangers of being over-ambitious without adequate baby steps to cultivate momentum. // also it is so interesting to see how you compartmentalize all those pieces of yourself in individual notebook spaces!! gives me some inspiration for new ways to use my own collection tysm <3
Okay, so I wrote this originally in my first draft of that post so it's written in a "post" kind of way rather than a replying to comments one, but I've copy and pasted it anyway as I still kind of like it! Let me know if you have any questions :) xx
1) My daily journal. I use this A5 notebook for morning pages, journaling, and writing lists of what I’ve done each day. For some reason, these lists make me very happy. I then turn the lists into a weekly list of business-building things I’ve done in yet another notebook (#10, which is currently on my shelf, next to my client mentoring notebook - #11 - and my book proposal notebook, #12).
2) My “one line a day” notebook. This one is different from my daily journal. It’s a three-year journal and each day has room for just a few lines. I save it for more meaningful stuff to look back on.
3) My notebook. This is an A4 book that I use to write down things I find interesting, ideas, business things, notes from free courses, workshops, and other pebbles of interest that I’ve found and want to hold and keep. These notebooks are like a treasure trove into my mind. I’ve filled four so far this year and I love them all.
4) My yearly reflections notebook. I have a special notebook that my dad gifted me for Christmas a few years ago. It’s one of those notebooks that I find too nice to write random shit in, so I keep it for my yearly reflections. I also have dried flowers, ticket stubs, and letters to myself sandwiched within its pages. I’ve just been doing my half-year reflections in there and writing a letter to myself to read in December.
5) A gratitude journal. Every few months, I pick up my gratitude journal and write a list of things I am grateful for. I love doing it and think, this is great, I should do this every day, and then I forget. And repeat. I do like looking back at the old lists, though.
6) Another pretty A6 notebook that I use to write down quotes and short notes and reminders of things I love and want to keep safe in my memory bank. This one has been on the go since 2021.
7) An art journal. I’ve been trying to dig into my art journal more regularly and do one sketch a day, but at the moment I’m lucky to do one sketch a week. It is what it is. I’ve been playing around with trying to draw something without looking at the page. I'm terrible at it, but that's kind of the point. It’s a place for experimentation - not expertise.
8) Another A5 notebook where I’ve been working through creative writing exercises, including nature writing. I like keeping my creative writing and more artistic observations all in one place.
9) An A4 notebook I use to make notes from sessions with my mentors and other paid courses. Whenever I sign up for a paid course, I like cracking open a new notebook or starting afresh from the back of one. My most recent one has @Beth Kempton’s River of Words at the front and @Annie Ridout’s The Creative Way at the back.
Hi Cassie, I happened across this piece yesterday and connected with your experience with your mum. I to am a daughter of a mother with both Dementia and Alzheimer’s and I’d be really interested in reading the book you mentioned by the person you are working with and am eager to read your other pieces about your experience.
Thank you for writing about this topic and not shying away from it. I was made to keep it a secret for a long time, by my Dad and his apparent shame over her decline and I’ve been wanting to share my own experiences with others to help them feel less alone in coping with the impact this has on you as a child.
Hey Joanne, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a similar experience. Shame and keeping quiet seem to be very common experiences shared with many people facing the realities of caregiving and "losing" a partner or loved one to dementia.
That said, it also feels generational. My parents are very much of the "keep calm and carry on" generation; the "let's not air our dirty laundry in public", generation. You didn't ask for help or share anything, you just got on with it. Stiff upper lip and all that.
But that, to me, just exacerbates the issue even more - perpetuating the myth that you have something to be ashamed about. Whereas the reality is that this could happen to anyone, and so I write about it because I want people to feel less alone. Shame dies in the light, and all that.
I'm so glad my words have connected with you because that was always my intent.
I personally try my best to keep the specifics of my dad and siblings stories out of what I write (as best as I can), and focus on the other aspects - my own observations/feelings, the general struggle of losing a parent to dementia, especially young-onset, the experience of being on the other side of the world and still wanting to help, the "when is the right time for residential care" debate, etc, through my own lens. That has helped me with my boundaries around what to share and how to "curate" it publicly, if that makes sense.
As for actually answering the question you asked - I'm currently working with an incredible woman called Steph Jagger. Her book is called "Everything Left to Remember" and it's about a roadtrip her and her mum took just after her mum's diagnosis. She's also been on several podcasts talking about it, which can be a good entrypoint.
Here are some other pieces I've written that might resonate:
https://cassiewilkins.substack.com/p/14-what-came-first-the-lemon-or-the
https://cassiewilkins.substack.com/p/18-the-lemon-doesnt-fall-far-from
https://cassiewilkins.substack.com/p/navigating-caregiving-and-burnout
I've been trying not to make my page all about dementia, but it definitely colours a lot of the other posts I write, too. These are a little more focused though! Anyway, feel free to reach out if you have any questions or want to talk more. I know this journey isn't easy xx
'It all is.' Love this. Thanks for another brave share. x
Thank you so much! Appreciate it :) xx
Loved this post Cassie. What a tough time going on but still you're able to share what appears with fun, curiosity and intellectual humility 🧡
Thank you! I so appreciate this. It's not always easy to write these types of posts or walk the fine line between sharing too much and not sharing enough, but I do think they're important and have value for the right reader. Very grateful to you for reading - and for all the incredible pieces you write and share, too. I always set aside time with a cuppa every time I see them pop up in my inbox! xx
You're so right about the balance but it's nice to take a peek behind the screen name and floating head image. I'm so glad to have you as a reader and your comments are so enriching! So often feels like I'm shouting into the void, but if it helps someone then that's brilliant! 🧡
You're so right about the balance but it's nice to take a peek behind the screen name and floating head image. I'm so glad to have you as a reader and your comments are so enriching! So often feels like I'm shouting into the void, but if it helps someone then that's brilliant! 🧡
Honestly, I feel exactly the same most of the time. It's not easy but it's so worth it when we have those moments of connection and feel like our writing struck a chord with readers! Keep at it, I adore reading your pieces! xx
This made my day Cassie! Really appreciate your support. Definitely a crossover here and keen to see where we go on this Substack journey!