The dragon vs the bear
Confidence is a fickle beast
Hey friends,
A quick head’s up, I’m running a creative call for all my subscribers here tomorrow (Wed 5th March at 8.30am GMT/4.30pm AWST/7.30pm AEDT). It's all about owning, shaping, and sharing our voices and our stories, and will include some exercises from one of my favourite writing workshops, Writing the Stories of Our Lives. RSVP here.
As I was preparing for it today, I looked back over my old notes and slides and realised that I haven’t actually run a proper workshop for 18 months.
I used to love running writing workshops, but I’ve let them fall to the backseat recently for various reasons. I say various reasons, but if I’m totally honest, the main reason is that no one came to the last one.
Even though I’d had great feedback from all my other workshops - including that exact one, which I’d already run five times before - I took it as a sign and shut them down.
I know that a big part of being a creative and a business owner is being flexible. Being able to pivot and flow; to see everything as an opportunity for feedback, not failure. To be the tree that bends in the wind, rather than breaks, even when it's blowing a gale.
But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Especially as confidence is such a fickle beast.
When things are great, I feel on top of the world; like a dragon, soaring through the air. When things are hard, I want to hibernate like a bear and not come out for months.
I seem to oscillate between the two. Like it’s always either/or.
When the stars align and it all comes together, it feels like the most magical, miraculous thing in the world; like I’m riding a slipstream. But, when things are tough, it’s harder to lift off; like my wings are made of lead. Burrowing into the ice and shutting out the world for a bit seems far more appealing.
The problem is that what “good” and “bad” is is almost entirely subjective - especially when it comes to confidence.
Most of the time our confidence is entirely made up of stories we tell ourselves - and these stories rarely err towards the positive. They’re usually looking for the weakest link, and, if our confidence is feeling a little iffy - for whatever reason - it’s incredible how easy it is for us to turn on ourselves.
It doesn’t help that our minds are primed to look for the negative, and, although we can train ourselves to lean towards the positive, to do so often involves overriding decades of our own conditioning, along with hundreds of thousands of years of evolutionary programming.
When you’re a creative, it can be even trickier. A best-selling author whose first book hit the bestseller list or broke records often finds it even harder to write the second or third. They’ll tell themselves they were a fluke; that it was a one-off.
It's the same for many creatives - musicians, artists, designers, actors, photographers, and even me running my workshops - especially as our confidence is often tied to how we’re perceived by others. Even when we love our work enough to put it out into the world, it can be utterly crippling if (or when) the world doesn’t respond in kind.
Most of the time it isn't a choice to be a one-hit-wonder. It's a curse. The plight of the creative.
It’s not that most people become victims of our own hubris - a dragon flying too close to the sun, a la Icarus. Instead, most of us struggle to lift our wings and find that confidence to keep going. The sleepy voice of the inner bear becomes way louder than the bold, fiery dragon.
This is where it really helps to have cheerleaders and supporters - people helping us rewrite those stories that we tell ourselves. Giving us a different perspective on things. I know this deeply - I do it for a job. And yet, when times get tough, I still struggle a lot with it all, too.
I know my work has value, I know I’ve achieved some great things - and helped my workshop participants and creative mentoring clients achieve and do some incredible things, too. It has been the greatest honour supporting them while they’ve reached for the stars.
In the past few weeks alone, one of my clients has gone viral after giving herself permission to lean into her niche. Another has had their work on stage in front of 17,000 people and broadcast to many more. Another has produced an incredible zine featuring the words and art of many other creatives, and is in the midst of running a transformative group program.
The ripple impact feels huge. It’s inspiring. I love seeing people changing the world with their art and carving out and taking up space in their own little ways.
And yet… Something still feels like it’s missing in my own life and business. Like no matter how much I can see the value of this work and all the wins my clients get, I can’t quite get it to where I want it to go.
When I started this work, I imagined that I’d spend my time feeling like a dragon, soaring through the sky; my fiery breath letting people I’m here to help and ready to help light a fire under them. Instead, I’ve found myself wanting to burrow down deeper by the day.
Even my team of cheerleaders or my “good feedback” folder - which is full of all the lovely words clients have shared with me over the past few years - don’t seem to be able to help me lift my wings in the way they used to.
I know I’m tired. I know that my confidence diminishes when I’m tired. No matter how many wonderful people I have believing in me and telling me otherwise, I feel less capable, less courageous, and far more critical.
I also know that this isn’t the kind of tired that will be solved by a good night’s sleep, although honestly, that would be nice (yay, insomnia).
It’s the kind of tired that has come from 12+ years of full-time solo-preneurship, a decade of navigating chronic pain, 5.5ish years of juggling my mum’s Alzheimer’s journey, and six years of navigating visa struggles.
It’s the kind of tired that comes from waking up at the end of February, burned-out from working 40-hour weeks, and yet having had the worst month I’ve had financially in years.
The kind of tired that has helped me remember that bears aren’t meek or quiet or unconfident - and actually, having met one in the woods when I was out walking one day in Canada, I can tell you that the reality is entirely the opposite.
Bears are full of confidence. They trust themselves enough to make hard choices. They know they have to preserve their resources, so they can come out strong and rested and ready to tackle the world again. Dragons may look confident, but that doesn’t mean they always are.
I can now see that we need bears and dragons. To be confident is to be and have both; to know there are times to bed down, collate our resources, and decide where/when/how we want to move forward, and times to rise up and roar.
In my case, it’s time to take a bit of a step back. To let myself be bent and shaped by the winds of change, instead of broken by them.
I still want to support and cheerlead creatives doing big, brave, beautiful things in the world, but I also know I want to do this a bit differently - in a way that supports me and the season I’m in a bit better, too.
I don’t know what this looks like yet - for my business, for this newsletter, for my workshops or my creative calls - but I’m honestly actually kind of excited to find out.
For years, not knowing what came next was my MO. I'd book flights to the other side of the world with no accommodation and no plans, and just trust it would all work out. It always did - better than I could’ve ever imagined, even.
Since I arrived here in Australia and my mum got Alzheimer’s, I’ve felt like I’ve needed to know more; to have it all figured out. Like I’ve wanted to fast forward to the end; to know how it all plays out. But I also know that isn’t how the world works, not for dragons, not for bears, and not for humans.
So instead, I’ve decided it's time for me to reclaim the discovery phase. To let myself embrace the unknown once again.
I’ll let you know how I go.
Catch you tomorrow, catch you in the comments, or catch you on the flipside.
All my love,
Cassie xx
PS: If you enjoy my work or my words and want to dive in deeper you can:
Join me for a 1:1 creative mentoring call where we can talk about all of this and more.
Come to my free monthly creative circles. The next one is tomorrow, March 5th.
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Love that you’re leaning into this Cassie! I get the one hit wonder thing. Sometimes even after I write something here that resonates I feel a bit stuck about what to write next because I want to make the same impact. But I think it’s best to just keep going because not everything will land well, and that’s OK. Xxx