One step forward, two steps back

AKA, oh hello burnout, my old friend

Hey friends,

I’ve missed you. I wish I could tell you I feel rested, rejuvenated, and ready to return after a little break from writing here, but that… wouldn't be entirely true.

Well, the latter is, I'm just finding it a bit hard to show up again, especially for the Making Lemonade part.

Sure, I'm still finding my own lemonade - in bike rides, lazy mornings, watching the seasons change, flitting between the five different books I'm reading, hanging out with the cat, going out to the lake, chatting to friends online, doing puzzles, noticing the one passionfruit that's growing in my garden, and in a road trip I took last week.

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Adventures will always be my happy place

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But I've been struggling with the lemons, too.

The truth is, I'm tired.

I've been tired for a long time, but I think I'm only just starting to admit to myself just how tired I really am.

Note to self: driving 1,500kms in three days on said road trip probably didn’t help, but WA is a massive state, and I don’t get to go exploring much, so I always feel like I have to make the most of it. I fear this will forever be my Achilles’ heel.

I went on a 1.5-hour detour just to go and say hi to the Stirling Ranges.

Anyway, I digress.

I’m tired, and I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of everything feeling so hard. I'm tired of it all feeling like one step forward, two steps back.

In life, in business, in health, in family stuff.

I'm tired of being a part-time* travel writer who spent seven years travelling the world full-time and now only really goes on trips back to be with my family and see my mum, who isn’t even at retirement age yet, but who has late-stage Alzheimer’s.

I'm tired of this Alzheimer’s journey and the guilt of it all and all the grief and responsibilities and how it all almost feels like a slow descent into madness. Or at least a descent into a strange inbetween land, where I can't fully move forward and get on with my life, but I also can't go back.

I'm tired of feeling stuck.

As someone who used to feel so free - life on the road wasn't always rainbows and butterflies, but it was always liberating - I hate feeling tied down and stuck in these weird liminal spaces.

I'm tired of living in a city I didn't choose and don't love. I'm tired of being alone most of the time; of having 99.9% of my friends and support network on the other side of the world, and rarely getting to see them.

I'm tired of not having energy to do a lot of the things I want to do - or those I don't, even though I know they'll make me feel better. Like my physio exercises.

I'm tired of the news and how hopeless and helpless it makes me feel. I'm tired of the voice in my head that tells me so many people have it worse than me, and I am actually really lucky and should just be grateful to be where I am and to just pull my socks up and get on with it.

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I'm so ready for grey skies, autumn leaves, and rain

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I'm even tired of the weather - and the fact that blue skies mean yet another day of having to hand water the garden.

I'm tired of how sad the garden looks. When I started it, I had more energy and love to give. Now, I can barely do the bare minimum to keep it alive, let alone looking nice.

If I'm totally honest, I feel the same about myself and my business, which has dried up a bit recently, too.

I started the year off strong, but a couple of months ago, it all got too much. Almost out of nowhere, I woke up one day feeling like I’d not just hit a wall, but like the whole wall had collapsed on me.

While it can be good to push our limits, I also know that when everything else in our lives feels hard, a stretchy walk can soon turn into a scramble up a mountain in flip-flops.

For a while, it felt like this was all just a personal failing - like if only I'd been stronger/healthier/better/more successful/resilient/tenacious (fill in the blank) things would have been different.

But now I've just about managed to find my way off the mountain, I've realised that that's still hustle culture talking.

Instead, I'm seeing the power in owning where we are and actually letting ourselves be comfortable - instead of always feeling like we have to be pushing ourselves one step further.

A bit like how, when you want a nice hot soothing shower, a dunk in an ice bath just isn’t going to cut it. Especially if (when) you’re already feeling frazzled.

Pemberton Pool is a magical spot to go swimming, but it’s preeeeetty chilly.

I’ve realised there's power in choosing to take a step - or two - back, rather than waiting until life forces your hand.

Sometimes thriving looks like surviving rather than striving.

For me, right now, that means:

• *Saying yes to taking on a couple of travel writing commissions for my old editor, even though I technically quit that job back in October.

• Spending a few hours a fortnight helping a local business owner with admin and support. After 13 years of being self-employed, I can't tell you how good it feels to just go in and get the work done and leave and not have to think about anything afterwards.

• Prioritising rest. I’m so bad at this, but it’s so important. I’ve written before about the seven different types of rest, but physical rest is a big one for me (hello insomnia!). I’ve been trying to build a nighttime routine, including a bedtime alarm and things that help me wind down, like night walks, sleepy tea, and reading gentle, non-fiction books rather than novels or memoir.

• Reaching out to friends and building my own little hype crew. I’ve always been quite a solitary soul, but as I’ve been navigating this tiredness and confidence blip, I’ve been finding myself in need of other voices outside of mine to help lift me up when I feel a bit flat or fed up.

• Giving myself permission to experiment, play, and not have it all figured out. Reminding myself that we get to the answers by living the questions. Seeing the same things I might previously have said were failings or failures as notches on the journey.

• Leaning into the things that bring me joy as a way of finding direction. Right now, that’s mostly reading books and running cowriting calls and writing circles. I really love running these calls. They're one of the few places I feel like I can show up as my whole self. No masks, hats, or anything else required.

This also means things here might shift a little, too. For example, while I'm in this season, writing fortnightly emails feels a little more sustainable than weekly ones.

I’ve also decided to use it as a time to soft launch my monthly write club - the first rule is you can talk about write club - along with some behind-the-paywall pieces for paid subscribers on topics I really want to write about but don't necessarily want to share publicly.

I love my writing space, but I also adore writing in community. Photo credit: Adam Kenna

As we transition into autumn, here in Australia, I'm really craving the safety of small spaces and the camaraderie and accountability of online cowriting groups. So, I figured this is a good place to start: like sitting around a fire, weaving words together under a star-sprinkled sky.

I say for writers, but in truth, it's for anyone who wants to sit and write, work, or create in community.

In practice, this will likely look like monthly cowriting/coworking/cocreating sessions. We'll gather together, open and close with a little conversation, and then you'll be free to work on your own projects, camera on or off. For those who like a little more structure, I can also share some journalling prompts/questions.

We'll also have a private chat thread for anyone who wants to share anything or ask any questions between calls.

If it goes well, I might even turn it into a weekly thing, along with seasonal writing circles every two months, but we'll see.

For now, though, I'd love to know your thoughts.

I'll put in a poll, but as always, you can let me know in the comments or just hit reply and I'll get back to you!

Thanks for being here, and for bearing with me while I've been going through this little wintering.

Love always,

Cassie x

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