#30: Curiosity vs Contentment

Are you more primed to see the lemons or the lemonade?

Hey friends, 

I read two things this week that I thought were interesting. One was about how there were two types of people in this world, the curious and the content, and the other was that our level of happiness is genetically predisposed - and that higher levels of wellbeing are associated with a lower risk of dementia.

I found the curiosity and contentment especially interesting (I wish I could find the original catalyst). The closest I found talks about two types of curious people; those who are curious for curiosity's sake, and those use their curiosity to avoid anxiety - which I guess is me. I'm absolutely the person who Google maps to learn a route ahead of time and uses satellite view to find parking.

In my mind, though, it's more like a spectrum, people who are more content on one side and more curious on the other. Without even thinking about it, I'd peg myself as more curious. My mum and my sister, too. We’re seekers; always thinking that the grass looks greener over there.

On the other hand, most of all the main men in my life - including the cat - definitely tip more towards the more content side of the scale. They’re a little curious, sure, but for the most part still seem pretty happy with what they have… most of the time.

And so, when my Dad- who would be the first to admit that he doesn't have a bucket list - started talking about going skydiving on our weekly Zoom call last weekend, I was taken aback.

In the best possible way, of course.

It would be pretty cool to be able to fly like a bird

After years of relatively irregular contact, these weekly calls are one of the few good things that have come out of my mum's decline into Alzheimer’s; even if her participation is now limited to the effects of gravity. Every call, we watch her head slowly falling further forward until she's asleep with it on her knees, like a closed book. 

She wears the same clothes and sits in the same seat she always has, but everything else feels different. I don't know whether to call her Nikki or Mum anymore. I alternate between both, but neither gets a response, so I guess it doesn't matter. It still feels weird referring to her as curious in the first person, like I did, before. She's neither content nor curious anymore. She just is.

Initially, the calls were about her, but now they're about us. They’re like a life raft on a slowly sinking ship, all of us jumping in from our corners of the world, finding solace and comfort in each other's company - and surprise, too, sometimes.

Surprise like finding out your dad, who has famously been scared of heights and thinks “bucket lists are only for people who are dying” - it’s probably not the right time to tell him we're all dying, just some of us more slowly than others - wants to go skydiving. My brother, too.

The “surprise” in this photo is the cormorant sunbathing on the rock. They’re such funny birds, I love them.

These last five years have felt a lot like free-falling without a parachute, so I think doing something fun like skydiving to remind you that you are alive and that this world is full of wonder and adventure sounds like a good goal - especially for the two of them, who've been in the thick of daily caregiving duties.

My sister agrees. She talked about going down with the baby so she can keep my mum out of trouble while they throw themselves out of a plane and hurtle through the sky.

I used to really want to go skydiving. Five years ago, I would've been filled with envy. I may have even persuaded them to wait for me to come back to the UK, to make it a family outing.

Now, though, my bucket list is a little more gentle. I spent the first 20-odd years of my life trying to escape it and doing crazy things to feel alive. These days, I'm all about doing nice things to remind myself how great it is to be alive. It may not be perfect, but I'm proud of myself for finally creating a life I don't want to escape from.

And, while it wasn't the sole intention, I'm also hoping that will help me on the “higher wellbeing staves off dementia” front.

There are no promises, but we as kids are now genetically more predisposed to it, so I'm trying to go what I can to make my life better now, lest I go that way, too. She was diagnosed in her 50s, so I figured there was no time like the present to start making changes.

This is pretty much how happy I feel with my life right now. It’s great.

Last week, I asked my partner - another one of those content people - about what sort of legacy he wants to leave the world when he dies. He just said that he wants to be remembered for being a good person.

At the time, he was 40 YouTube videos deep into a series of someone restoring a beautiful old wooden sailboat, which was making me think about all the different ways we can leave our mark on the world. It's a topic I've written about before and keep coming back to.

While he - and we - have dreams and bucket lists like getting our own sailboat and living on it with the cat, we also know that that's just for us. Even if it inspires others to live an alternative kind of life, too, it's not legacy-leaving; it won't change the world. We just want to have a nice little life and go on adventures.

But even so, my curious mind won't stop me thinking bigger.

I want to write books; I want to help people change their lives through my work as a creative mentor; I want to be remembered. I want to share the way I see the world with the world. I want a tiny spark of me to remain here on this earthly plain, even when every other part of me is gone.

I almost wish I could be content for being remembered for being a good person - and god knows I've spent my life trying to be, even if it has fallen flat sometimes - but there's part of me that will always strive for more.

I wonder if it comes from losing my friend so young - before he'd had a chance to put his spin on the world - or volunteering after natural disasters and seeing how life can be extinguished or turned upside down faster than the blink of an eye.

Losing my Mum to this awful disease hasn’t helped either. It’s really strange watching someone lose all the things that made them, them.

I also love a big moody sky rather than a boring blue one

I've always been fascinated by our mortality, and how most of us act like we'll live forever, even though deep down we know we won't.

Maybe that's also where my obsession with legacy comes from. Why making my website felt like building a home; a place for me on the Internet. Why I like writing these, baring my soul with the world, week after week.

I had another conversation with a friend this week about how much I share publicly about my life and my mind and my struggles. She said that she could never be so open, but I love it. It feels liberating.

After years of being a travel writer and hiding behind destinations, being an adventurer and hiding behind adventures, and being a people pleaser and hiding behind others, I feel like I’ve finally written myself back in as the main character of my story.

Through writing these posts to you every week, I feel like I’ve learned to be more me. I’ve become content with who I am and with my own curiosity. I feel less alone, less weird, less confused about my own identity. I finally feel like a whole human, again, not a fragmented one.

I’ve also realised that being a curious kind of person doesn’t mean that you can’t be content, and being a content person doesn’t mean you can’t be curious. You just have to work a little harder at the things that don’t feel natural to you.

You can either let yourself be curious and open to what might make you content - and then take action on it - or, if you’re more naturally content, ask yourself more questions and let yourself fall into more of a curiosity wormhole. Or, you can daydream about the “what ifs”, and see what comes up.

Who knows, maybe you’ll even decide you want to go skydiving!

Catch you next week.

All my love,

Cxx

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Questions to ponder:

• Do you agree that there are curious types of people and content types of people?

• Are you a content or a curious kind of person?

• Do you wish you could be more curious or more content or are you happy how you are?

• If you could be 5% more content, what would it feel like or look like for you?

• If you could be 5% more curious, what would that feel like or look like for you?

• Does it make you want to do anything differently or live your life any other way?

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PS: I am also still offering $50 off my one-off creative mentoring sessions to my Substack subscribers. I have some availability for May, so if you’re interested, feel free to drop me a line and we can jump on a free discovery call!